Maybe it's something about turning 40 today or getting some cancer cut out of me last year. It could be because I lost a family member recently or the life review I did when almost t-boning a utility truck. I'm not sure, but I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately and I've determined I'm currently a lot of things I never thought I'd be.
Our ego determines who we think we are. It's clear that my perception of who I am has changed, since technically “I”, as in my spirit hasn't changed. In hindsight, my ego comes across as very judgemental (cough).
There was a time I didn't think I ever wanted to get married and I was never going to have kids. Why would people do that to themselves? I was scared of commitment and of babies and they would (both) cut into my horse time.
Now I've been married for almost 10 years and have a boy and a girl. I'm still scared of babies. My kids cut into my horse time. I'm starting to get used to that and now that they're old enough to be part of my horse time, it's getting to be a lot of fun.
About that girl. I was hoping for a second boy so I would still be able to go to barrel races by myself.
Now I find myself giddy with excitement when I get to buy rainbow saddle pads and glitter bell boots. I'm excited for the day she wants to “enter up”.
I was an excellent rider and barrel racer and I was certain I would be for all time. I didn't really understand how people got to be “has-beens”. Why didn't they keep hauling and why did they let themselves lose their confidence.
Now I realize that I'm only as good as the horse I'm riding and horses are pretty quick to humble us. When Jet died last year a piece of my ego (who I thought I was) died with him. That was pretty hard to let go of and now I know I'm only as good as I'm doing right now.
I thought I would always rodeo, rodeo was life. I thought it was a sign of lack of dedication when people had kids and didn't haul as hard. Or buy a camper? What are they thinking? I didn't understand how people would let kids slow them down, and why on earth they let the little people control their lives. I didn't understand how moms would “let themselves go” after having kids. And why were they giving their kids all their good horses? Can't they just say no and go win themselves?
Now I believe “fun” is what life is about and we should do whatever blows our hair straight back whether it be rodeo or fishing. I'm looking at campers and love staying at home and working on our acreage. I love spending time with my kids and it warms my heart when they thank me for taking them on excellent adventures like hiking in the forest. I see how moms “let themselves go” as there's a little of that going on in my camp too. It happens. I don't feel it has been an intentional thing, but I haven't added the intention of doing anything extra that a little age requires. I also now understand why parents give their good horses to their kids. It's damn fun! It makes your heart burst with pride, that's why.
I used to think that intuitive types and so-called healers were a bit woo-woo and great for other people to use as a last-ditch effort.
Now I am one of those woo woo people, people call for help. My past appreciates those that aren't to the same level of understanding and belief yet because I've been there, not long ago. I believe energy work is tool in our toolbox and can be used for maintenance instead of a last-ditch effort.
I used to think that people needed to have a more positive attitude to work through their health problems and stop complaining about it.
Now I realize through my own experience that when you feel like crap, a positive attitude helps, but it's a lot further reach to find one when you're not feeling to par. Sometimes people have to complain to get the help they need.
I used to think 40 was “old”.
Now I know age is just a number. Or 40 is the new 30. I certainly know that things just keep getting better and better for me. It's a good age to buy yourself a unicorn pinata – because you can – so I did.
So that's where I'm at today and I'm sure it will all change in my next decade of life. The last one has been chock-full of “awakening” and if my ego has anything to do with it, there is certainly more on the way.
All I know for sure is that I am Michelle, I am Loved and I am Happy.