The Rider’s Mind Podcast Episode 131: Don’t Should Yourself

In this episode I bring into awareness when we’re “shoulding” ourselves, when we are saying we should do things when we enter events, because everyone else is doing them, where we think that we should be there, because it’s just logical and makes sense. I’ve got a few questions and thoughts for you to ponder today to keep tabs on when you’re “shoulding yourself” and when you’re actually doing things that light you up, that you truly align with.

Episode Transcript

00:01:02
Do you ever get stuck in the shoulds? I should be doing this. I should have done that. I have all of these things that I should get done. I’m not sure where this pattern originates from or how it starts or how we get into the habit of doing this, but I think that it’s something that’s very common with a lot of people. I know it’s something that I have to keep tabs on myself and ask myself. Why do I think I should do that? Is that really something that needs to happen right now? Is this really something that I should be entering? Am I just doing this because everyone else is doing it? Am I just doing this because I have this underlying programming that it’s always been done that way, like I should do the laundry on Wednesdays, or you have to question yourself. Why do I think I should be doing some of these things? I think we can look at our lives and all of the ways that we do things, the habits that we’re in, the things that we think should be done like. One thing that’s coming to my mind right now is somebody might think the barn floor needs to be swept every day? Well, why do you think that should be done? And we’re all? I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, but some people think that’s a shoot and other people don’t think that’s a shout and it’s just really quite interesting, isn’t it so? Today I want to talk about not shoulding yourself, so don’t should yourself. You could replace that with another word in there too, but essentially we’re often driven by the things that we think we should be doing, and I’m not sure if that is a helpful source of motivation, or if we end up spending our time on things that are not actually important to us. But for one reason or another we think that they should be done or we should go. How many times do we really disown ourselves to do something that we think we should do because it will please someone else. But really it’s not a lining with who we are and what our soul and what our deeper selves would actually really want. So I want you to start paying attention to how many times you think you say I should and just catch yourself in that. How many times have you entered something competition, a barrel race, rodeo whatever, because you thought you should? Now it’s pretty clear. I’m not sure if we can go back and think of those times that you entered something because you thought you should, but you didn’t actually really want to be there. How well did that go? It’d be interesting. I’m curious to think back on that and think of. You know it’s easy to think, recognize it on Monday or Tuesday, but look back and think I entered that because I thought I should. I entered that because it was logical, because everyone else was doing it, but it didn’t actually turn out. So maybe that’s not some place you should have been to start with. Now there is a difference between shoots and responsibilities like, yes, you should feed your horse. That’s because it’s a responsibility and someone’s relying on you. You should do the dishes. Well, I’m not saying that you should do them every day. Someone might think that well, there’s consequences if you don’t do them after five or six-days well then you’re out of dishes. You should book an appointment with your failure. You’re welcome for that reminder if you needed it, have these responsibilities that you do need to keep tabs on. Here’s one that’s interesting. I should ride today. Well, should I or do I just think I should? If I’m entered at an event on the weekend and my horse isn’t properly prepared for it? Well then, it is my responsibility to ride, but I should radio this year. Well, why? Because all of you, all of my friends, are, or if that’s the best place for my horse, or I actually want to, and it lights me up thinking that I should go there. Sometimes I’ll think, oh, I should enter this particular barrel race. Well, why should I? Well, because it’s only half an hour from home and it makes sense. But what am I compromising? You know, perhaps this is an area that my horse has never done well in. The footing is not great. For some reason my horse always seems unsound after race there. So should I go? Is it my best interest to go there? Is it in my horse’s best interest to go there? Am I just going? Because I think I should go there, because it makes logical sense. What I try to do now is make choices based on what feels right, not what makes sense or what I feel I should be doing. So I’ll think of entering an event and if it feels light and exciting to me, well then that’s an indicator for me that would benefit from going and experiencing that. If, when I think about going, there’s a heaviness, well, I would honor that and not go, and I might not always know why. And I do want to note that this heaviness is different, different from nervousness and excitement, that you might feel. You might think of it and feel kind of lit up and queasy, but that is very different than a hard no feeling. I have done a lot of things that I thought I should do to meet a particular outcome, but being ended up being hard and it didn’t turn out well. Sometimes logic, I mean it makes sense, but logic doesn’t always aline with the: the greater good, the higher calling the bigger purpose what your soul actually desires, enduring something because you are afraid to not be there, because you might not know, make points in the standing or money in the standings, even though it’s not the best place for you and your horse on that day. Well, that’s that’s an eagle based, should. That’s a fear of missing out, because you know everyone else is there, so I should be going to. That is a natural thing that we have to override in our humanness, sometimes our desire to be with everyone else, our desire to do what other people are doing. We do have to check-in and ask. Is this the right thing for my horse and I, even though it’s logical, even though everyone else is doing now? This is where it gets awkward, as a lot of people don’t want to have to respond to why you’re not there. So I do find it’s easier for me now, when people say oh how come you didn’t enter so and so just own it, to stand-in my own power to have my reasonings behind it, because it can be hard to answer when you’re not really sure why you just knew you didn’t want to be there and you honored that. It’s hard to respond to somebody who doesn’t necessarily get that and isn’t in the same wavelength as you. But you could just simply answered: well, it just didn’t feel like it just didn’t feel right for me. You know what I’m not sure why I didn’t enter that. I just didn’t feel lined with that choice. Or you might say it didn’t feel right for my horse. Or that’s not a good pen for my horse. You could say she didn’t want to go, the horse didn’t want to go, so we stayed home. Or you know what you could just simply say: it didn’t feel right to me, I didn’t want to go. It’s easier to stand-in that energy when you just don’t care what other people think. When you are confident in your choice and it does get easier. I will say it does get easier the more you make these choices and it makes sense after the fact, even though you didn’t know why ahead of time, just you’ll trust yourself more. The more you trust yourself and it’s easier to stand into that stand-in that energy, it’s easy to get sucked into peer pressure when everybody’s going for a good time. But I know we’ve all experienced these times where we have gone and you wish you didn’t because you wish you could have listened to your God, to your intuition, to your knowing that it wasn’t the right place for you to be just because everyone else is doing it doesn’t mean that it’s right for you and your horse. Just because it’s logical and makes sense doesn’t mean it’s the thing for you. So I would just encourage you to ask yourself: why do you think you should be there and you can feel into something you actually want to do or, if you’re doing so, ask yourself: why do you think you should? Why do I think I should be going there? Am I thinking I should be going there because it’s something I actually want to do and it lights me up, or am I doing it? So I don’t have to explain why I’m not there, even if it’s just to yourself that you have to explain why you have an open Saturday because you haven’t entered the race that’s half an hour away or 15 minutes away. You should ask yourself if you’re responding to this fear of missing out that’s ingrained in us or, if you’re doing it to please someone else? Are you going because someone else will be happy that you’re there, whether it is a friend, a spouse, partner that they think you should be going, think, lean into this and really access. Is this something I want to do? And sometimes we do need our friends to encourage us to go to something when we are having reservations that are coming from, you know of fear of messing up or just the nervousness of competing, that we do need them to encourage us and to push us. That’s when we need to be able to differentiate between. Is this just not a line for my horse and I, or am I backing? Because I’m I’m nervous and I don’t want to step out of my comfort. So that is definitely something that we need to watch out for and be careful of. But I do know a lot of times we’re doing things because we think we should go now. Sometimes there will be things that you don’t really want to do, that you should do like your horse isn’t going to season itself, it’s not going to expose itself. You should take it even though you don’t want to like. For example, I have a horse right now that have a hunch that the seasoning process is not going to be that fantastic and it’s going to be fairly humbling. So I’m avoiding doing that. I recognize that that is happening. Perhaps that’s not a great attitude. I have about it. I need to shift my perspective on that, but have to be careful that I don’t not go, because what’s actually going on behind the scenes, and this is something I should do, even though I don’t really want to, because it’s not going to be that fantastic. But I do have this responsibility and it is part of taking responsibility that I need to achieve my goals. I need to show up and do these things if I ever want to have a seasoned horse. So there is a bit of differentiation that we need to make there. But going back to just really being careful when you’re just in a habit of shooting yourself and then you’re you’re doing these things that don’t line with who you are, what you want and what your soul really desires. So there’s definitely a difference between saying that you should do the dishes, you should feed your horse. Yes, those things need to get done. Feeding your horse is a little more timely than doing the dishes, but you should enter this race. You should do these things. Everyone else is going. You should be there. We’ll just be careful, because you can actually be selling yourself out by by going these things to these things and not a lining what is actually the most full, most fulfilling journey for you and your horse. So today I just wanted to leave you with that food for thought. It’s something to keep an eye on, something, to recognize when you might be doing and just really ask yourself these questions. Is this something that I’m doing because I’m afraid of missing out? Is this something that I’m doing because someone else thinks I should and I don’t actually really want to? Am I shooting myself more than I’m actually doing the things like sometimes we’ll say all day long I should do. I should do the dishes. Meanwhile, if you would have just taken the responsibility and done them, they’d be done and you could stop shooting yourself from the get go right, you could get on to something else. So just really keep an eye on those things. Ask yourself the question. So until next time, breed deep, stay present and ride the stride. If you haven’t already feel free to download my next level mindset, mini course, michelledavey.com/minicourse and this will also get you on my email list so that you are notified of each and every new episode of the riders’s mind podcast. All right, we’ll catch you on the next one.

Join the Stride coaching group waitlist: www.michelledavey.com/stride  It’s in Stride we work at becoming mindful barrel racers so we can show up present and ride with great partnership.

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